About Me
Hi, I'm Caroline. I am the daughter of a covert narcissist and unfortunately, and fortunately it’s shaped my life.
Here are the things I’ve learned:
INTUITION
When someone is saying one thing and is manipulating you to think another, your intuition and instincts scream louder. For a long time, I learned to lie to myself by justifying the words and ignoring the feelings. I no longer ignore the feelings, they are the only thing that is true.
PEOPLE PLEASING
I learned that love was conditional, so I jumped through all the hoops in order to be loved. I learned that love does not work this way, that I am worthy and important, no matter what anyone says or thinks.
OVER-ACHIEVING
I’ve been in school since I was three, I never stopped learning. I have been in school, getting diplomas, taking personal interest courses, devouring books just to feel smart enough and good enough. I’ve gone through three coaching programs but it wasn’t enough until I realized that the stories about not being good enough that played in my mind were just a game, a game of being controlled. I know now that I know enough, more than enough.
FREEDOM
Being locked down under the control of another, I learned that freedom was my ticket to feeling good, to feeling like me. I can no longer be kept down, I do what I want, when I want and how I want.
EMPATHY
Role reversal is common in narcissistic relationships. In my case, I had to be the parent when I was just a child. I had to listen, to understand and have compassion for someone who was supposed to have these things for me. I learned young something that was not age appropriate and now it has become my super-power.
INDEPENDENCE
As a child, I was depending on someone to give me what I needed but my needs were pushed aside and I was left with very little. So I figured out how to do it myself. Everything. I not only learned basic life skills but also how to nurture and take care of myself.
SELF-CARE
I’m still working on this one. I spent my entire life taking care of a narcissist and used that skill to take care of everyone else that came in my realm. Some didn’t want and some didn’t need to be taken care of. It was seen as an act of control. I suppose that is what I saw love as. Someone who controlled. I didn’t get the true, unconditional love and nurturing that I needed as a child so I figured out how to give it to myself. Sort of. It got worse when I had children of my own, I didn’t know love without control so I released the control but it seemed as nothing was left over. I found it hard to balance self-care and care for my littles. I swung things around to see what fit for longer than I’d like to admit but now I know that without taking care of myself, there is no one to take care of those that need me to care for them. I put my oxygen mask on first, then I share my love with the world.
SELF-IMPROVEMENT
Because I was convinced that everything was my fault, I strove to be a better me, to do better, act better and achieve better results. I probably didn’t need to go through such rigorous self-improvement training but now that I know it’s not all about me, I can see how spending the years I have on becoming a better person has paid off.
GOOD HEALTH
I've been sick with mystery illnesses as long as I can remember but the doctors sent me away as healthy. Through years of research, education and experimentation in my personal health I became completely convinced that physical health is not just physical. We are made up of mind, body and soul and physical ailments are simply a gauge to let us know that this holy trinity is off-balance.
ASKING FOR HELP
Passive-aggressive behaviour is how I was summoned to help as I was growing up. This is what I knew as asking for help so I repeated the pattern without much luck. Needless to say, I learned how to ask for help completely from scratch. I am a helper but also perfecting the art of asking. No man is an island.
RELATIONSHIPS
From the very beginning, I learned some very twisted and unhealthy beginnings foundations of what I thought a relationship looked like. Control, manipulation, gaslighting were the tenants of my first relationships. Needless to say, I had to consciously learn what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. I feel so blessed for all of the hard lessons.
JOY
All the times I have felt free in my life are my sources of joy. I realized that these sources were where I needed to plug into to connect with the bigger part of myself, my connection with the universe. Animals, nature, solitude, music, sea salt air, music, swimming, connecting with other humans on a deep level and dancing. Without joy, life isn't worth living.
Here are the things I’ve learned:
INTUITION
When someone is saying one thing and is manipulating you to think another, your intuition and instincts scream louder. For a long time, I learned to lie to myself by justifying the words and ignoring the feelings. I no longer ignore the feelings, they are the only thing that is true.
PEOPLE PLEASING
I learned that love was conditional, so I jumped through all the hoops in order to be loved. I learned that love does not work this way, that I am worthy and important, no matter what anyone says or thinks.
OVER-ACHIEVING
I’ve been in school since I was three, I never stopped learning. I have been in school, getting diplomas, taking personal interest courses, devouring books just to feel smart enough and good enough. I’ve gone through three coaching programs but it wasn’t enough until I realized that the stories about not being good enough that played in my mind were just a game, a game of being controlled. I know now that I know enough, more than enough.
FREEDOM
Being locked down under the control of another, I learned that freedom was my ticket to feeling good, to feeling like me. I can no longer be kept down, I do what I want, when I want and how I want.
EMPATHY
Role reversal is common in narcissistic relationships. In my case, I had to be the parent when I was just a child. I had to listen, to understand and have compassion for someone who was supposed to have these things for me. I learned young something that was not age appropriate and now it has become my super-power.
INDEPENDENCE
As a child, I was depending on someone to give me what I needed but my needs were pushed aside and I was left with very little. So I figured out how to do it myself. Everything. I not only learned basic life skills but also how to nurture and take care of myself.
SELF-CARE
I’m still working on this one. I spent my entire life taking care of a narcissist and used that skill to take care of everyone else that came in my realm. Some didn’t want and some didn’t need to be taken care of. It was seen as an act of control. I suppose that is what I saw love as. Someone who controlled. I didn’t get the true, unconditional love and nurturing that I needed as a child so I figured out how to give it to myself. Sort of. It got worse when I had children of my own, I didn’t know love without control so I released the control but it seemed as nothing was left over. I found it hard to balance self-care and care for my littles. I swung things around to see what fit for longer than I’d like to admit but now I know that without taking care of myself, there is no one to take care of those that need me to care for them. I put my oxygen mask on first, then I share my love with the world.
SELF-IMPROVEMENT
Because I was convinced that everything was my fault, I strove to be a better me, to do better, act better and achieve better results. I probably didn’t need to go through such rigorous self-improvement training but now that I know it’s not all about me, I can see how spending the years I have on becoming a better person has paid off.
GOOD HEALTH
I've been sick with mystery illnesses as long as I can remember but the doctors sent me away as healthy. Through years of research, education and experimentation in my personal health I became completely convinced that physical health is not just physical. We are made up of mind, body and soul and physical ailments are simply a gauge to let us know that this holy trinity is off-balance.
ASKING FOR HELP
Passive-aggressive behaviour is how I was summoned to help as I was growing up. This is what I knew as asking for help so I repeated the pattern without much luck. Needless to say, I learned how to ask for help completely from scratch. I am a helper but also perfecting the art of asking. No man is an island.
RELATIONSHIPS
From the very beginning, I learned some very twisted and unhealthy beginnings foundations of what I thought a relationship looked like. Control, manipulation, gaslighting were the tenants of my first relationships. Needless to say, I had to consciously learn what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. I feel so blessed for all of the hard lessons.
JOY
All the times I have felt free in my life are my sources of joy. I realized that these sources were where I needed to plug into to connect with the bigger part of myself, my connection with the universe. Animals, nature, solitude, music, sea salt air, music, swimming, connecting with other humans on a deep level and dancing. Without joy, life isn't worth living.