It’s easy to get lost in the process and forget to celebrate the progress. A lot of that progress is most likely invisible to everyone else and oftentimes invisible to yourself. Don’t let that happen. Surprise! Here’s a story. I went out dancing last night (surprise again!) by myself and spent a little more time than usual on the sidelines. I rarely wait for someone to ask me to dance, I dance by myself, grab a girl or ask a guy but something was a little off with my energy so I took some time out to get aligned. I have a process I do before I go out in any situation. I try to align myself and my energy by remember who I am (I am, simply I am) and breathe that into every fibre of my being. I’ll blame it on the full moon but I set out by myself and had the drive to get in touch. I was having a truly difficult time, everything was annoying me, even the music I had set on my own playlist. I turned off the music and the static was still there but I had a feeling that I was about to experience a profound shift and I was ready for it. I didn’t know what to look for as I wasn’t prepared for what was about to happen so the first thing I did was to stop looking for something, a sign and just get into what I call the namaste place. It’s the place where I recognize the God in me and see it all around. I have a lot of practice with that so I jumped into that space easily. I sat down (for those of you that know me, I don’t do that when music is playing. I’m a dance in the grocery store kind of person) and began to watch others, and appreciate, and smile, and celebrate successes, and cheer on beautiful connections and then it happened. I am never going to dance again. Invasive thoughts about how I’m not good enough to even be there started creeping in. I’ll never be as good as these people. I am too old to get any better (really Caroline?). It’s too late, why bother. I felt like I would be a clumsy mess, a bother to whomever I danced with. I saw the thoughts, I did nothing. I didn’t try to change them or transform them or try to make myself feel better, I just let them float by like clouds in the sky. (Ps, that’s my go-to, clouds floating by) It’s a feat in itself to sit with discomfort but that’s another topic. I had no problem tonight just watching the thoughts and letting them float by. When I do that, the thoughts almost always go deeper, to what’s at the root of my subconscious beliefs. I noticed a woman who had so many cool and sexy stylings, I thought even if I copied her, I would not be able to feel it. I would not be able to feel sexy. I could do the exact same movements but the flavour would be missing. Wait, I don’t feel sexy. There it is. I went deeper. I don’t feel desirable. As I sat on that single chair, placed in a tiny space between the couch and the door I felt undesirable. I thought to myself, so what? Is that important? The same process as always continued. The next question is turning it inward. How do I feel undesirable to myself? Unwanted? Unappealing? Unsexy? Over the hill? Thoughts were spiralling as I kept watching my thoughts and other dancers, old and young, big and small, dorky and suave. I started to smile. I had it. I started off feeling so disappointed at where I was in my journey that I had forgotten to appreciate how far I’d come. How far had I come? This is maybe not something relatable if you haven’t emerged from some serious trauma but for those that have overcome major obstacles, listen up. I spent years in a relationship with a man that showed no interest in me, physically and in other ways. It didn’t occur to me for a very long time that it wasn’t about me. His desire or lack of it, wasn’t because I was undesirable or unloveable but somehow I had convinced myself that it was. So that sucks and all but the point is, for a very long time I was in a relationship with this person and now I am not. There’s progress. For a long time, I was told I can’t do anything right and I believed it. I no longer believe that. I’ve been accused of having underhanded intentions, being selfish and needy. I laugh at all of those accusations now. I’ve been called names, been intimidated and yelled at. I no longer accept that kind of treatment. I’ve been gaslit, I can see that happening a lot easier in the moment now. Gaslighting is the craft of a manipulative genius and I have experienced it and awoken it to it several times so that when it happens and I don’t see it right away, I get upset with myself instead of noticing how much quicker I do realize it. It’s a genius mind-trick, super sneaky so never, ever discredit yourself for how long it took to notice. I’ve been shamed and blamed and laugh in the face of that now. After all that progress, one thing had gone unnoticed. My body. I had been so focused on my mind and soul that I had literally forgotten about my body. Now, that said, I worked on the core of things first which I believe now was the right order but sat there trying to be gentle on the fact that I had not seen that my body had been overlooked until now. Being gentle on myself is the first thing I need to do all of the time. It’s not become a habit yet but I’ve got the reminders set so I suppose eventually it will. I sat there with my newfound realization and just let it sit. As the evening was winding down and very few people remained, some people came to talk to me and I notice how my confidence level skyrocketed as I was invited to open my mouth. I became this different person entirely. I was so confident and eloquent and sincere and kind and I was loving who I was, perhaps I always do, I just noticed it more as it was in direct contrast to how I felt as an unknown body sitting alone in an unfamiliar environment. So different. So that hit home the lesson of how I’d love for my physical self to feel more like the intangible part of myself. I wavered between feeling bad about my new information and feeling so relieved. Then I remembered how far I’ve come. Two years ago I had given up dancing 8 years prior. Two years ago, I had no energy, I stayed in bed a lot, couldn’t sleep, laid down after each activity, couldn’t schedule activities as I didn’t know I’d have enough energy. As a matter of fact, I didn’t have any energy and had to quit my job 5 years ago. I was in serious panic attack, insomniac mode with a hundred mystery symptoms of serious illness. Today I have steady energy, I can digest more foods, I am very strong (physically), I feel like I float over the ground when I walk, I can dance for several hours at a time. I don’t need to sit or lie down. I’m not repeating constantly that I’m tired. I am so much better than I was. That is part of how dancing saved my life, the rest, I saved myself. I’m reminding myself that it’s OK not to feel totally at home in my body after what I’ve been through. What I do see is that everything I’ve been told about my body by others just isn’t true. Nobody has ever lived in it like I have. I know it and she’s becoming more confident, more like home every day. Note about the picture: This is an extremely vulnerable share for me. I had this picture of my legs because I was enchanted with the pattern the water made on my legs as the water was drying as I had gotten out of the pool. At first, when I looked at the photo, I saw how I didn’t have the beautiful muscle definition I’d carried around for most of my life but at second glance, I saw how strong and juicy they were and had so much appreciation of how they get me around and take me dancing effortlessly. They are beautiful to me, and that’s what matters to me most now.
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After all the books I've read, the years of therapies and self-inquiry I've learned one thing, the thing that has made the world of difference. The only thing that has made an impact in my life is seeing the world through a different lens. Much to their dismay, I've heard many photographers say that when people see an incredible photo they've taken, the first thing people will ask is what kind of camera they use. As if the brilliance of their work is due to the camera they've used and has nothing to do with the photographer. Well let me tell you something, if a skilled photographer grabs your cheap chinese cell phone and you put them in front of the most mundane subject, they can create an incredible image that you couldn't have done because they see the world differently and they know how to use the equipment at hand. And that, my friend is the secret to living your best life. Learn how to use your equipment, change lenses when necessary and learn to see all that is external to you in a different light. You've been gifted an incredible piece of equipment at birth, pre-loaded with a perfect and brand new body mind and soul and although there's a learning curve, you pretty much know how to use it. You instinctively choose the right foods as any animal given the choice between it's natural food and something that's not life supporting, it would know how to make the right choice. One of my teachers talked about a horse given a carrot or a twinkie, it would choose the carrot 100% of the time. You are born with an internal guidance system, a GPS loaded with the latest software, intuition and you know what is right and wrong for you. You're pre-loaded with a direct connection to the divine, in tune with the universe but you're still dependent, learning how to walk, communicate with those around you and still need to figure out how to survive on your own. The problem begins with your guides here on earth. Many of them have lost their connection to the all that is as that unfamiliarity has been passed down from generation to generation. We become conditioned to believe the twinkie is a special treat and the carrot is a punishment so to speak. We learn to give up our inner knowing to appease our caregivers and get lost along the way. The traumas our ancestors survived (but never healed from) get passed on and we learn a new normal. As Dr. Gabor Mate defines trauma as something that is not normal that we get forced to believe and act as if it is. Anyway, if you were to receive a brand new, fully equipped camera today, you would probably want to learn how to use it, transport and take care of it safely so it lasts and keeps optional functionality or you might just put it away and never use it because you think you can't learn or you would just keep taking blurry picture after blurry picture and just determine that's the way this camera takes pictures. We could play around with it on our own and try to figure out how to take better pictures or consult the advice of an expert, or at least with someone with more experience than us, to see if we can learn from them, creating shortcuts to the learning curve. Another option is to just try to understand why your pictures are turning out blurry and then talk about not learning to focus the camera or how fingerprints are on the lens. And then you keep talking about those problems. You might resign to the fact that your pictures are blurry because you don't know how to focus your lens and spend the rest of your life talking about the reasons why you don't know how to do it. Maybe you were never taught to focus, your parents or teachers surely could have taught you so we try to understand what is wrong with them, why wouldn't they show us something so simple, why did nobody ever buy me a cleaning cloth. I guess they never cared if I shot an in-focus picture, I feel so neglected. It's easy to become the victim for a while and sometimes necessary to blame and complain just so we can hear ourselves out loud, eventually realizing we still have time to learn and change whatever it is that isn't working. If you are still alive, you still have time. Maybe you've gotten as far as hearing yourself speak out loud about your findings of what went wrong, who caused these wrong-doings and why they happened. If you're here reading this, you're probably at the stage where you're sick of telling that story and you want to spend what precious time you have left on earth to take action and make things better. Welcome to now. This moment you get to decide whether you're going to spend your time and energy toying around with your God-given tools to change the course and outcome of your existence or you're ready to enlist the help of an expert. How do you determine who can really help you on this journey? Just look for someone who walks the talk. You can enlist the help of someone that has read the manuals and even has them memorized. They might even have a diploma saying they have studied the manuals but I recommend you check out the quality of their work. Theoretically knowing something is a far cry from being able to produce the desired outcome. Most people who read the manuals don't do it to just end there, with nothing but knowledge. It does happen though. Sometimes the accolades that come with acquiring knowledge feels good for the ego and might end up an eternal resting place. If you're willing to put your trust in the idea of having someone else hold your hand through the journey, look for the proof in the pudding. I have run the whole marathon of knowing so much as a small child, being conditioned to believe so much that felt so wrong, I've read the books, gotten the diplomas, spent a long time feeling smart, resting there, further seeking help from others and never giving up. I've found the help I've needed, I have found some people that walk the talk and who have helped me do the same. There's no diploma or gold-star for those that do, just the reward of reaping the benefits of the result of doing the work. For myself, the result is like having found the treasure and it is more than enough. The abundance of goodness is so great that the only logical next step is to share. So here I am, sharing what I have learned. Take care of yourself, rekindle your contact with your higher self and learn how to re-focus to get the best picture possible. https://unsplash.com/photos/8aNvozzatYQ?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink Last night while learning some new dance moves, my dance partner told me to move my temple in a certain way. I stopped and asked if he told me to move my ‘temple’ and he said yes, that’s the way he sees the body. I was on board. I wholeheartedly agree but I’d never just directly called it that. I have been imagining ever since, how we would treat our bodies differently if we simply replaced the word ‘body’ with ‘temple. How differently would we be treating ourselves if we thought about what we put on or inside our temple. It felt like a hack, instead of reminding ourselves that our body is a temple, we would just go directly to seeing our human selves as a temple. What would we do differently? Would we poke holes in our temple? Inject foreign matter into our temple? Put garbage in our temple? Would we be more discerning about who we invite into our temple? Whose temple we enter? I’m talking both energetically and physically. How would we move our temple? Would we let our temple sit on the couch or would we take our temple to meet the wonders of the natural world? Would we move our temple with love and great care or overwork our temple? Would we disguise and alter our temple? So many questions. I immediately embodied the concept as we continued to dance. Yes, I would take my temple to dance. I would take my body out to dance both alone and with others that respected my temple and theirs. If someone is not loving and honouring their own temple, I can be sure they can’t do the same when meeting with mine. Then I felt something completely palpable. There were other people watching us dance, and I could feel their feelings thrown at me even when I was paying absolutely zero attention to them. I’m sure we have all felt when someone is judging us or admiring us, but at least for me, that usually happens when we are paying attention to that. I had gone completely inside myself, really feeling what was emanating from within yet like raindrops out of a clear blue sky, I felt the exterior energy coming towards me. I began to wonder what else I could feel as I tune in more. Last week was my birthday, I really celebrated for the first time in over a decade. For two reasons, one was that I was proud to still be alive and two because I actually had an entire community of people that were also happy that I was alive as well. I received so many blessings, important talks with loved ones and lots of joy, dancing and togetherness. After a health crisis a few years ago, I had an awakening and began to treat my body as a temple. I put an end to many toxic things that I put on and in my temple. Then I started working on the energetic level (again) and became much more discerning with the energy I surrounded myself with. I learned how to not let toxic energy affect my existence and keep other’s toxic energy outside of the energetic field of my being but one of the most delightful things I learned during this time is how to accept and love myself unaltered. To paint a clear picture, I wear a warning label. I’m one of the only women I know of my age (I do know some others, whom I adore) that wears my outsides as authentic as my insides. I have grey hair that I don’t change, I don’t wear makeup, perfume or fancy clothes, really nothing about what I show on the outside is conventional. The benefit is that those that I come in to contact with already know that I’m both unconventional and authentic and if that’s not what they are interested in, they don’t even come near. It’s been a fabulous filter. Through all this, it never occurred to me that I was already treating my body like a temple. Well, temple-ish. My temple isn’t so perfect, but I fully accept it. There’s always room for improvement. It brings to mind the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is mended with gold instead of trying to restore it back to its original ‘perfect’ state. The imperfections, instead of being hidden, are highlighted to bring the piece to a new level of beauty. It’s also a part of the making of Persian rugs. These rugs are highly prized works of art that have deliberate imperfections because in Islamic culture it is believed that only Allah is perfect. The idea that we live in our own personal temples isn’t to create a chasm from where we are to being absolute in our quest for perfection but rather to know that we are perfectly imperfect now and always but with a new awareness. Noticing how we keep our temples is a surefire way to ensure that maintenance and improvements happen that echo out into our lives without judgement and full of grace. Let the compass of your temple keep in check what you want more of in your life. Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash A beloved family member went missing on the weekend. It was our favourite cat, yes, a cat. She usually goes outside, plays a bit and then comes back in to cuddle. Friday night she didn't come back, that's OK, she's spent the night outside before but when I woke up Saturday morning, I expected her to be waiting at the door as per usual. She wasn't there, and Saturday night she wasn't back either, another night outside with the nocturnal predators. I knew she had gone from having an adventure to lost status. Somehow, I wasn't concerned nor upset. On Sunday morning when she still wasn't around, I started to feel a bit uneasy. I made a plea bargain with the universe that I quickly retracted. I promised that if she came back, I'd never let her outside again, I'd keep her safe inside with us. Then I heard what I had just said and thought it over and thought it would be better to live free and die than to be stuck inside for the rest of her life. I found immediate peace knowing that her life was her own and my love was pure. She had already been missing for a couple of days yet there was no sense of dread nor fear. I kept that. That morning I asked my (wise) young children if it would be better for her to be inside forever or to risk getting hurt or dying but living a free life. They chose freedom. They were surprisingly OK with the situation. Our morning walk around the neighbourhood calling her name wasn't filled with any sadness or feeling of loss but instead a fun time for us all to bond in the early spring sunshine. I was enjoying the vibe. No complaints, just togetherness. Marvelling at the wonders of the natural world. Stopping to spot flowers poking from the cold ground, moss growing on the north side of the trees, spring buds, children playing outside, saying hello to neighbours and their dogs. It was light and free. I took all the correct channels of finding her but none of it was filled with any negative feelings. It felt good. Then Monday night as we were about to go to bed, I heard some incessant meowing outside, I thought it was our other cat from the frequency of the meowing but then I thought it may be her. I opened the door and there she was, a little over 72 hours gone and she appeared as if nothing had happened, no cuts and scratches, she wasn't hurt nor hungry, she was just happy to see us. So happy. The first night she was gone, my 10 year old had a dream that she just showed up at the door, so did my dear neighbour who let me know that she just came home in the dream. The third night missing both my daughter and neighbour/friend had dreams again. My friend found her on the edge of the woods and put her in the car and brought her home, my daughter said she dreamt that the cat just appeared in our house. I felt that they were right, that that's the way it played out. I didn't have to convince myself that it would happen any other way. I'm wondering if the relaxed attitude through the ordeal, relaxed attitude toward possible loss or death was a reflection of my attitude or that they were just still totally in tune with the natural way in which the world works. I suppose it doesn't matter but I am impressed with the way they maintained their relaxed and playful vibration through what could have been a terrible experience. I think we can give more credit to kids and their wisdom and also a great attestation to the fact that we get to choose how we feel no matter what is going on around us. Photo by Eduardo Dorantes on Unsplash I’ve read all the books and have a lot of acquired knowledge, and that’s the classroom. The test is putting the learnings to use and that is most often experienced by being involved in the messiness of interacting with others. You and your mess, them and their mess, put it all together and you have quite a field to play in. You with your wisdom, beauty, insight, them with theirs. You with their unhealed baggage and triggers, them with theirs. It’s called relationship, the stuff that happens on the bridge between people. The chemical reaction, attraction, explosion, you with your unique set of experiences and ideas and them with theirs. These unique combinations of elements have never been mixed before, therefore there is no textbook to follow, no guide, it is all a surprise and completely out of anyone’s control, surrender. I’ve witnessed how the life lessons required for our personal growth knock gently and if we don’t answer, knock again and again until we answer the call, rise to the occasion and learn the lesson. This accounts for finding yourself in the same situation repeatedly or meeting the same person over and over again with a different name and face. Last night I had one of those lessons that have been knocking for a long time. I’m going to try to spare you the details but there was a triggering incident. To paraphrase Dr. Gabor Mate, a trigger is a wonderful way to see where you have unhealed trauma which he has described trauma as a situation that was abnormal but was accepted as normal. Trauma isn’t just abuse or a peak negative experience. When you understand trauma in these much simpler terms as acceptance of and a reaction (trauma response) to a situation that doesn’t sit right, it becomes easy to understand that trauma isn’t reserved for those few big or crazy situations but something that can be experienced over and over again and accepted as normal (the trauma response). Also, understanding that the trauma response isn’t a fault or a negative trait but rather an example of how adaptable, resilient and creative we are to adapt to any situation. And then comes the moment when the trauma is healed and the response we developed in reaction to the trauma no longer serves us. In summary, we experience something that isn’t right. We adapt to the situation with a new way to handle things, the response. We are amazing. We heal. We throw out that response and choose to act and react in new ways. Back to the trigger. I was triggered and because this wasn’t my first time at the rodeo, I was excited to use this messy moment to extinguish the fire behind my reaction. Most importantly, I didn’t get angry nor disappointed with myself to have this reaction or any reaction. I got to step outside of what was going on for a second and give thanks to the first step to my emotional healing. A breath of celebration. Next, I let myself feel what I was feeling, this may not be the best course of action for everyone but my sensorial side gives me the clearest insight into myself so I used that as a tool. Then I got flashbacks to all of the times I have felt this exact same way. It was like some rapidly unhinging telescopic effect. I landed on an experience from 25 years ago and was sure this wasn’t the absolute first time I had experienced what I was feeling but an important one. I connected the dots and quickly recognized that this was exactly the same thing, this was the lesson that had been knocking for a long, long time. I was able to disconnect and move on from that experience and continue living life until it hit again and again and to my surprise, the unraveling of the mystery of what I needed to learn laid in the trauma response. I saw the experiences, the feelings, and the trauma response and in all of the situations, I carried out the same response to the end. Recognizing the trauma response was what unlocked the mystery for me in this particular instance. My response was to give up. I was excited that this time I got to choose a new way of responding and carrying life forward. A little more on giving up first. I had noticed that this was a pattern for me which I had attributed to some kind of lack of confidence, feelings of insecurity or lack of self-worth. As a matter of fact, just last week I was sure that my attachment to lacking self-worth was the story I wanted to change. I had some doubts about this too, it seemed very large and at the root of so many things that it seemed overwhelming to try to unwind. Given this new opportunity to see things with the help of a triggering real-life situation, I could see how giving up was behind so much. The pattern looked like giving up in order to prove myself worthless. I was actually trying to support and maintain my worthlessness through self-sabotage. As I write this, I feel like so much of my life has been built up a bunch of ridiculous and erroneous lies that I spent too much energy trying to uphold. Utter bullshit. I’d made myself unimportant as a trauma response to keep myself alive. That was clever. I’m still alive and don’t need to do that anymore, genius. After about 20 minutes swirling through a hurricane of memories, stories, patterns, thoughts and emotions I took a breath. Take one with me. It was over. I choose a new response. I’m not giving up this time. I was excited, elated, euphoric. I felt powerful (um, I am). It felt right. It feels right. I am going to get focused, clearer on my objectives and keep going. I got this. This shit has been going on for decades, possibly throughout my entire existence and in twenty minutes I cleaned it all up. This is what happens when you walk the walk. Walking gets easier. I’ve built the muscle to do the work. I have the awareness, and most importantly the experience and I’m not afraid to walk through the fire. You can hang on to stuff forever, lifetimes. Or you can let it go, but you’ve got to be sick of it enough to be willing enough to do whatever it takes to get to the other side. In first grade, my son had a wonderful teacher and their word of the year was “yet” She didn’t tolerate negative self-talk and giving up with those fragile souls and that single word was the key to unlock the door to potential. Instead of a kid exclaiming that he couldn’t read, she would remind them, “yet”. I can’t tie my shoelaces…yet. I’m not good at this…yet. As adults we can implement the power of yet, to be gentle on ourselves enough not throw in the towel. I’m not in shape yet. I don’t have a dream job yet. I don’t know how to heal from trauma yet. I can’t do this or that yet. Then we can just flip the coin, change the focus and put our energy to achieving what we don’t have (yet). I personally spent a long time healing but felt like I wasn’t really getting anywhere but I knew giving up was not an option. Life felt an awful lot like a treadmill. I kept going but wasn’t going anywhere as there was a lot of focus on the sticky side of the coin, the problem, rather than the solution. Now that I’ve seen myself overcome a major life obstacle in a few minutes, I’ve got this to look back onto when I find the next thing that needs unsticking. I have proof that I can do it. I know you can too. Even as I write this, I am looking back an experience, one that I won’t forget, with clearer eyes that I experienced it. There is nothing like doing the work in the moment that it comes up. If I had stuffed down what was going on last night, I’m not sure I would have even taken the time to try to work it out today and if I had, it would be a lot less charged and perhaps that was the energy that accelerated the movement of all that stagnation. I’d been carrying around a metaphorical gun for years, wondering why I felt like I was on a battlefield and it was thanks to the people (mostly completely unconscious people) that pulled the trigger that made the bullet fly out at record-breaking speed. This is a powerful confirmation of my openness to all my relations. I never know who will be my biggest teachers and I give thanks to all who have helped me along the way. I am armed with a team of conscious, powerful loving beings and play and live among the rest of the world fearlessly because of them. I am a helper am am supported by those loving enough to help me. We are all one and asking for help is a non-issue when I see things through that lens. I’m on your side, reach out if you need help on your journey. It’s what I do. The image is similar to what came to me in a powerful meditation. Photo by Calvin Craig on Unsplash It’s all nice and well to walk around intending to be honest, speak your truth, live out loud, be authentic until you feel how harsh the words and the feelings that come back on you are. Being a life-long people pleaser, it hits just a little harder I imagine. I remember in the times of the 2020 plague, there was a lot of harsh words being flung around the internet because people seemed to take sides and then stick with them in an extreme fashion. I can’t tell you how many times I was devastated, and in tears because I wrote some comments about how I like to take care of my health and that was different from this large gang of very vocal and angry people. I wondered how people could be so mean. I have and always will belong to the camp of everyone gets to decide how to live their life, what they choose to believe and how they choose to be in this world. The problem is that this is controversial too. Angry people can find anything to dissect and complain about, tell me I’m wrong and name-call. In the time of the world-wide flu, this was common, so many people lost friends and became estranged from family members. There was divorce, job-loss and a ton of loneliness and hurt feelings. Fear was the pandemic. People seemed to be afraid for others, depending on which side of the fence you sat. I happily walked away from acquaintances that became enraged that someone else had an opinion that was different than their own. That kind of attitude was not going to fly in my world. Luckily, I was mostly surrounded by open-minded thinkers. Ones that consider that our life is our own evolutionary path, we are each entitled to our viewpoint and are definitely allowed to share that viewpoint. I thought now that in 2023, I had weeded out my ‘friend’ list on social media and in real life. I thought that I was left with people that consider possibilities of things they have not put great personal thought into, and know the difference between contemplating a topic and being influenced by the news. As a matter of fact, I thought the news-watchers were down to a minimum and that considering the way the internet works, anything gigantically newsworthy, we will hear about and can look up in our time from our trusted sources. I thought the world had become a safer place for speaking up and out and I suppose it has, for those that consistently live out loud but for the sporadically deeply authentic, things are still rocky. I was recently made aware that I’ve been holding back my real-ness a whole lot. I know and associate with a lot of people that do not see the world as I do, and we get along just fine. We have things in common, basically that we can live and let live, we are good humans and don’t attack others for seeing things differently. A wise teacher of mine once asked if I knew the leading cause of war was. I thought it might have been religion or money or perhaps the desire for power but then it was obvious when he said it out loud. ‘I’m right.’ The thought that you (or I) am right is the leading cause of all kinds of destruction on this precious planet and within families and friendships. So I don’t watch the news, I don’t keep up with the latest thing of what is trendy to believe or accept or what words are OK to use or how our current society has transformed a whole set of rules into new ones and now I’m supposed to be aware and abide by these new rules of society. If you know me at all, even a little bit, I have spent my entire existence on the fringe of society and the fringe of beliefs. I am a philosopher, a poet, an artist and a thinker. Nobody tells me how to think. I was gaslit since birth, which may have contributed to my radical rejection of someone, anyone trying to tell me what to believe, think and say. If I see something or hear of something new, a radical concept, an unpopular opinion, I will sit and ask my inner self how that sits with me, I will think of possibilities or impossibilities, I will put hundreds of hours of thought into some things so that I can come to not a belief nor an opinion but rather an understanding. I may come across as opinionated but all of those feelings are an evolving series of concepts that help me understand our world. I thought the name-calling and strong feelings of ‘I’m right’ had passed. I felt safer and more grounded in my understanding of this thing called life and our evolutionary role within it. So without the fear of bullying for having new ideas about old ideas, I began speaking up again. In the most loving way I know, I began wondering out loud what it would feel like to live without labels and separation tactics and boom, it happens again. There’s a feeling of pride in pissing someone off, not because I like the hate that comes back to me and not because I like pissing people off but because it is an indication of how far I’ve come. I’m less afraid to live out loud, share my truth and be authentic with the inspiration of evolution and positive change in mind. If what I have said upsets you, I don’t apologize, I’m not sorry for what I’ve said, I’m not sorry because it brings you awareness of your emotions but rather I am here to talk to you about all of that. I invite you to, instead of reacting, to work out your feelings around possibly controversial or new topics without the unshakable need to be right. I don’t think I’m right, I just know what is right for me, at least in some aspects. I’d like to thank all that have formed ideas about important topics to you and can stand in them and allow with grace, others to stand in their own findings. I applaud healthy conversations and honest questions. I see you that hold different opinions and listen to others that do not mirror your beliefs with an open mind. You are the true gems and shining examples that show that we can peacefully co-habit this planet together. Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash Over the last few days leading up to and including Valentine's day, I read a ton of posts about the most important love being self-love. Yes, I have a well-curated list of friends and places I read from. Nobody is promoting roses, spa-days and fancy dinners in my circles though that stuff is nice too. I suppose I could buy a dozen roses and a gift certificate for a spa day followed by a fancy dinner and drop it all of in the mailbox of someone I have never met (wouldn't that be nice?) but it sure as hell doesn't mean I love them. It wouldn't even symbolize that I love them. I would simply be an attestation to me spending a bunch of money on something I think is nice and giving it away. Love is waaay bigger than that. Before we can drop love off in another's mailbox, inbox or heart, we have to fill our cup of course so let's start from there. One article I read was entitled, if you were auditioning to be your own lover, would you say yes? (https://www.facebook.com/jacqueline.gates) Reading the title was enough for me. I think often about how I love, and if I were someone else, seeing how I love someone else, I would definitely say yes. If I were me looking at how I love myself, I'd need a minute to think about that. There's that invisible part, the part where I'm loving (or not) myself. It may not be seen but it is definitely felt, most importantly by myself from the inside out but also felt by those around me. I set the bar for what I will accept as love from others. When you want to raise the bar as to how others treat you, but you're not raising the bar on how you treat yourself, it's like opening a double hung window that slides shut as soon as you open it. A whole ton of useless effort. But what is love. Love sounds like a noun but I believed for so long it was a verb. An action rooted in a feeling. Now I reach for that root when I imagine love. You can run around performing actions for yourself or others but without the anchor of the feeling, it's like dropping off a care package to a stranger. Can we go a little deeper here? There's action and inspired action. There's doing stuff without meaning, because of guilt or obligation, because it's a special day and we are 'supposed to' take certain actions. On the other hand, there's inspired action, watering my plants when they are looking a little sad springs me into action, executing an inspiring idea, cooking for fun instead of hunger is a great example of that. When you genuinely care about something or someone (an idea, another or yourself), you begin to notice what you can do to support and care for it. In our case, we are talking about ourselves and I see within and around me that often we simply aren't seeing. That root, from where that love thing stems, often isn't all that strong. I don't think you can very successfully approach it from the outside. You can definitely fake it till you make it but going within and finding the feeling is how things blossom. Then comes the awareness of what you need. It sure doesn't sound romantic to just give yourself what you need but how many of us are really aware of what that is and doing it. I imagine that by tuning in, we make inspired decisions which turn into inspired actions and that is what really fills our cup. When that cup is full, we don't seek for it to come from outside and as a bonus, we have something to give. It's then that we can just play and enjoy each other's company. How fun is that? What do you think love is. How do you show that to yourself? Like the good nerd I am, I looked it up in the dictionary. My friend and I were using it interchangeably in conversation and something felt a bit off. I looked it up to find out it has the same dictionary definition but there seemed to be a nuance to it, I could not define. It took me back to a random experiment I did a few weeks back. I’m sure by now everyone has heard of the five ‘Love Languages’ and understand the concept which totally makes sense. Being one of those that have never actually read the book, I’ll give you a quick synopsis.
Back to the experiment. A friend of mine told me she had just taken an online quiz that goes along with the book and asked if I had ever done it. Although I think I understand the concept, I have really invested very little time in exploring the topic. When I entered onto the website to start the quiz, the first thing it asked is whether I was in a relationship or not. I thought that was a strange ‘choose your own adventure’ but I later realized it was not. Take one, I chose the adventure of ‘in a relationship’ and scored really high in Acts of Service and very low on the rest. Taking out the garbage, cooking me a meal, fixing something around the house was the clear winner. The least spicy, least interesting, least romantic acts took first place to other things that showed up in last place. Telling me I’m wonderful, bringing me flowers, just hanging out or kissing me mean absolutely nothing if you’re in a relationship where basic survival needs aren’t being met and I have to show up time and time again to keep both of us afloat. Truth be told, the results were depressing. Long walks on the beach holding hands felt like a big waste of time and nonsensical when the bills aren’t getting paid and our bi-weekly garbage date overlooked. To cheer myself up a bit, I took the test again. Take two, I chose the adventure of ‘single’ and everything changed. If I were dating someone, the expectations of keeping my life afloat disappeared. I do that shit anyway and I don’t need help. It would be nice to have but it wouldn’t enter into the primary function of the relationship. As a matter of fact, the acts of service disappeared right to the bottom of the list, just ahead of gifts (which I think both times, scored zero). Quality time skyrocketed to first place and words of affirmation and physical touch nestled evenly behind. I knew the results would be different but I hadn’t realized how different. I’m sitting over here taking mental notes of how my loved ones could receive my love, people pleasing dies hard. I cook favourite meals for the one whose heart is in his stomach, I bring gifts to the neighbour who brings me gifts and I rap philosophy with the other who loves nothing more than hours on the front porch with a bottomless tiny cup of coffee, waiting to be seen and waiting to connect. I used to come and do household chores for my aging mother to whom acts of service sat next to godliness. I massage the shoulders of my bodyworker friends. I let people know I’m thinking of them. I may have been groomed to be a people pleaser but if I did get one thing good out of it, I learned to how love. So I’m really good at pleasing, which you’d think would make that journey inward easier. There’s a lot of clutter in the way. Time to make space. I know how to love really well, it’s time to turn that on me. I can feel the delight rush in. Then the tables were turned on me. How do I receive pleasure? Um….ahhhh….well…I started to feel uncomfortable. I’ve honestly been too busy to have that be on my radar. Why? What is the difference between me, who seeks out to please others (like we are talking handstands, cartwheels and backflips) and those who easily receive what I am giving? A goddamn sense of worth, that’s what it is. It’s not that I don’t have any sense of worth, it’s just not as big as it could be, it should be. It’s a bud and let’s just say once the tables turned, the realization that it wasn’t that I was hard to please, I just had the bar set real low, hit real hard. Besides my childhood grooming of being a people-pleaser in order to fulfill narcissistic supply, the wave hit again once I had children. Love was shown to me as control, and running circles around others to make sure they were OK, they were happy. So somehow, these tiny, little dependent creatures show up in my life and I’m falling into some deep, buried, patterns. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. The space in-between being a child and having them was so freaking full of unabashed pleasure I had to take a minute to figure out how I got here and then trace my way back out of the maze I had come in through. My son does this, he literally traces a maze on paper with his finger before committing to ink. I saw myself in an instant, looking at the web of circumstances that brought me here, knowing that if I got in, I can get out. Now I’m playing with that nuance between pleasing and pleasuring. Pleasure seems like next level stuff. Pleasing might be doing well on a test or remembering to take that stinky garbage out where pleasure feels more like burning sage and that long walk down the beach. Pleasing would look like a neighbour seeing if you’re doing alright and pleasure a friend talking to you about the wonders of the universe. Pleasing would be a warm blanket, pleasure a warm hug. You get the point. I figure if I’m going to raise the bar on my worthiness and expectations, it’s not stopping at pleasing. I’m going to take that shit to the top. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it right. I’ve thought about it a bit and I’ll share with you here, partly so I can watch how it expands. If you’re inspired, share with me what brings you pleasure, it’s a beautiful thing to talk about. My pleasure... Let’s replace talking about plans with dreams. Let’s sit in the forest, by the river and hear it flow. Pay attention. Can you see me? Do you hear me? If you have to ask me where I’m struggling and where you can help, you don’t know me. Get to know me. What a gift. Ask me. Feel me. Can you get to know me with an open mind? Do you want to? Time. The big illusion, I find deep pleasure when time stops. Presence. When the world melts like a Dali painting and flings away like wet paint on a potters wheel. I love fire. Candles, campfires, burning shit. I love water, being anti-gravity brings out a playfulness in me that’s unparalleled. Hot water, showers, baths, and especially natural hot springs. The ocean is my biggest love but I’ll take a swift moving river or a placid lake or even a swimming pool. I love to move my body. This is when I feel strong, powerful, grounded, connected. Pleasure is connection. I don’t need to wait for external touch when I feel the energy and the air (or water) around me move when I move. I have an extraordinary sense of smell, pleasure is salty sea air, jasmine, cedar, decomposing autumn leaves, woodsmoke, wet earth, pine, garlic, herbs, cinnamon. Pleasure is being surprised. A surprise takes me out of my plan, my pedestrian expectations, my head and moves me into a rush of exhilaration. Gentle adrenaline. Something out of the ordinary, a conversation or an adventure ups the euphoria of just being alive. Being nourished. A nourishing meal cooked by anyone else than me is my tiniest and greatest pleasure. I can still taste the few meals that were made with love especially for me. Presence, my own or in company. Slow-ness. Ambient music, low lights, hushed voices, deep breaths. Sloth energy. Dreaming, daydreaming, imagining, tuning in and also out. Hearing my name or just mommy. Mmmm. I’ll let that brew for a while. An incident occurred, it happened with 3 other women. Our teacher, a male told us to stop goofing off. Sure, it was his class. By signing up, we silently agreed to actually pay attention and do what he says. The thing is, someone noticed the men get to have fun, it’s part of the process and women are always following whatever the man wants to do. OK, it was my dance class. That’s how partner dancing works and I knew that from the beginning. There was something about this incident that made everything seem unfair and upsetting. When I started partner dancing, I had a hard time following. I’m a natural born leader and I was raised by my mother who definitely wore the pants in the family. Some part of me wanted to feel more feminine, a part of me wanted to trust a man to lead me around and feel cherished and beautiful but yesterday, after so many years, that backfired. Over the years, I learned how to follow more which means how to trust more. Trust in the process more than the person but it’s trust nonetheless. The leads (which are usually men) get opportunities to show off their skills, to put women in a position where they can admire her (read: check her out) but the women just seem to chase the man around, wherever he takes her. A woman in my class decided we needed an opportunity to stand back and check out (judge) the men in the inner circle after they came to dance together (read: abandoned us). She came up with a cute and naughty little pose that made us all laugh so we kept doing it because it was fun and funny. After a few times, the teacher reigned us in and told us that’s not how the move goes and we had to do it ‘properly’ so that we could build on the ‘proper’ way of doing things in the next class. My mood changed immediately. He could tell. I didn’t say anything but my face talked for me. My smile turned into a look of boredom and he asked if I was OK. Yes, OK is where I was peaking at that moment. He’s a good man so after the class was over and we were out social dancing, he asked me again what was wrong and I thought if he had the balls to ask, I would have the balls to be honest. I told him how after giving it some thought, I was simply tired of men telling me when I could have fun or not. Realistically, I would say people, instead of men but it was rare for women to try to control me and my level of joy (with the exception of my mother of course). It hit deep. All the times I couldn’t do things throughout my life because I was a woman came flooding back to me. I didn’t even know those times existed until that moment. I’ve always thought of myself as a free human, living life on the fringe of social norms and basically doing whatever the hell I pleased. I have always had a healthy disregard for authority. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized there were times, many times (I’m sure far fewer than most women) when I could or could not do something because I was a woman. It was little things like when a taxi driver charged me twice as much as my male colleague, when I was told how to feel or what was appropriate behaviour. The rage came. I spat out that being a follow was just plain boring and I wanted to lead. Wow, truth. I tried to step into the shoes of someone I was not because I thought it would balance me out. Let’s paint the picture. I dance barefoot, in socks, in sneakers or flat ballet slippers. I will never, ever wear heels. I’m tall enough and I know how those foot coffins were designed to make a woman’s calves look higher (like a man’s) and inhibit her ability to run away from an undesirable situation. I also don’t wear skirts or dresses because I don’t like chaffing my thighs till they bleed. Does those things keep me from being a woman. Oh, and I don’t dye my hair or wear makeup. I don’t like double-standards and I don’t want to feel fake. I want to feel real. It’s not to say I can’t or don’t wear those things (except for heels) ever but my preference is 100 percent real-ness. Does that make me less of a woman? Maybe.
First world problems. There was a time not so long ago when women couldn’t vote, wear pants, get a mortgage, have a bank account, work outside the home, etc. Oh I’m so lucky. I can do these things. It’s called evolution. There are new problems, and invisible ones that come along with being a woman. Improper healthcare for a start. Glass ceilings on salaries. A billion double standards. Women get to make excuses while men behave badly. Yay. Silent agreements. These things aren’t life-threatening and are for the most part, ignored. Thank God because we have bigger obstacles to overcome in this life but the undercurrents that come along with being a woman can be rough. I’m not going to spend my energy there but hey can we get a round of applause for all the women that put up with shit on a daily basis and keep smiling? So in sweet rebellion, I will continue to age gracefully, wear pants and have fun in whichever way I please. I get to have a messy house, no dinner ready and make my own money. I suppose that’s why I loved the Netflix show ‘Girls from Ipanema’ (Coisa mas Linda) about a bunch of women fighting for independence in 1960’s Brasil. The era and (stunning) setting of the show set the stage for much bigger problems for these women than I will ever dream of dealing with but the struggle to be authentic, true to themselves and stand up for their own justice are themes that I suppose never die. I sit here listening the sultry sounds of Bossa Nova writing and pondering these big questions and even bigger feelings and give thanks for the deep healing that the small incident provoked. You see, a life-shattering event isn’t necessary to make life-altering changes. I’m going to stick with my theory that body movement unlocks sub-conscious thoughts, worries and pain and opening up this energetic field left me open to feelings that had been locked away for a lifetime. What a blessing. The real me lies behind these hidden feelings and when the surface is scratched, you win every time. Feeling a big lost and a bit off for a lifetime is just a minute away from being erased in a bigger discovery. The thing is we rarely know when that minute is. No matter how much conscious work you do on yourself, there’s so much that lies beyond the surface. Sitting with the discomfort and letting it wash over like a wave is how I’ve found that I don’t drown. I am not sure if I’ve written about it or if you’ve ever navigated powerful ocean waves but the best way to stay afloat is not to swim and not to try but to trust, to float, to feel, to breathe and to wait. That’s the power of feminine energy. We all have it, the power not to do. Please, just be careful where you place your faith. Photo by Shot by Cerqueira on Unsplash What does it look like when you’ve lost your connection with yourself? There’s a funnel for thoughts, thoughts and beliefs become feelings and those feelings become actions or physical manifestations. If you aren’t aware of what you are thinking, you start feeling it. Feelings can be ignored and if you ignore them long enough, they settle into your existence, and get stored in your body. Then minor inconveniences turn into illnesses. Imagine someone knows you are home so they knock on your door but there’s no answer. They knock louder and harder. Same thing here. Your body is trying to tell you something, that you need a change, something doesn’t feel right and if you don’t turn things around there, you feel it in your body. By the time you’ve gained or lost weight, your skin looks different, your hair is falling out, you can’t sleep, the universe has been knocking for quite some time. Depending on how well you’re ignoring all of that, diets, skin cream, special shampoo, sleeping aids, things only get worse. Exhaustion, depression, anxiety, invisible and mystery illnesses don’t start overnight. The warning light came on and now things just aren’t running as they should. Keep going on that path and and you have a recipe for disaster. I have gone through it all, the bad feelings that I couldn’t understand, the mild physical symptoms that have easy to access band aids, and then the more serious health issues, including a tiny broken bone. I knew that I could get better but not with the help of doctors. They all said I was fine. Or fine if I took their pills, which I did for a time. It wasn’t till I took control of my life that I began to turn things around. I won’t tell the story again but I will tell you the result. Taking control of my life meant taking control of my thoughts and feelings and actions and my physical body responded with a sense of ease and energy flowing again. I often picture it as taking my foot off the hose to let the water flow through it again. When you’re under the weight of the buildup of tiny discontents or big problems, it is hard to turn the ship around. It is unlikely you will do it without help. Sometimes you have to reach out for help anywhere and everywhere you can think of until something opens the latch, then from that point, things get easier quickly. I promise. I can’t solve your problems but I sure can help turn that ship around. Let me know what you need. |
AuthorCaroline is a coach and story teller, can you tell? Archives
May 2023
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